


Never Been In Love

by River_of_Dawn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Aromantic, Aromantic Awareness Week, Aromantic Dean Winchester, Asexual Castiel (Supernatural), Asexual Character, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Coming Out, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Dean Winchester is Sam Winchester's Parent, F/M, Gen, Heterosexual Dean Winchester, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Queerplatonic Castiel/Dean Winchester - Freeform, Queerplatonic Relationships, arophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:27:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22775635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/River_of_Dawn/pseuds/River_of_Dawn
Summary: Maybe the romance would follow with enough time. If he just gave it enough time he should fall in love with Lisa, right?Wasn't that how it went?You met a person. You liked them. You felt butterflies or some shit in your stomach... and you fell in love.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 93





	Never Been In Love

**Author's Note:**

> Don't you want somebody to never let you go?  
> Knowing someone's body better than your own  
> Don't you want a family with a white picket fence?  
> Tell me when's the wedding, the names of all your kids
> 
> I'm not missing someone that I've never met  
> Maybe a little scared, still I don't care  
> I'm not missing out so don't ask me again  
> Thanks for your concern, but here's the thing
> 
> _Will Jay - Never Been In Love_
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I own neither Supernatural, nor the characters.
> 
>  **Warnings:** Nothing worse than what's on the show in terms of language. Almost no violence. Some arophobia and self-hatred. Spoilers up to and including S13.

The Impala purred softly and music played just a bit louder as Dean watched the sky go dark.

He glanced at the clock in the dashboard of the car.

 _21:32_. The numbers blinked. _21:33_.

Again, as he had every minute for the past six hours, Dean chanced a look outside. A light had gone on, a tall silhouette moving on the window panes.

He knew that shape as well as he knew himself. Had seen that shape his whole life. Had seen the shape grow and twist to become the one it was today.

Dean saw the shoulder shaking with laughter as a second silhouette came into view. Both leaned towards the other.

 _Sammy and Jessy sitting in a tree..._ a small voice in his head sang. Dean told it to shut the fuck up.

 _K – I –_ the voice continued. Dean told it again to shut up.

Seriously, he didn't want to know what his brother would be doing or what it would lead up to.

Of course Dean knew that people could kiss without having sex afterwards – and now that was a picture he didn't need. At all – but since he had never done so, he could only assume.

Personally, Dean thought that love was annoying and mind-numbing and could therefore only distract a hunter. There was a reason he was single and successful after all. Sex was good for release after a hunt, but romance? Romance could only distract and cause a person to become a complete fool. It changed their priorities.

But Sam wasn't a hunter anymore, so why should he care? Also, he had always said that Dean's no romance rule was silly, since one couldn't just turn off romance. At least in Sammy's experience. Dean had never had a problem with that.

And now that Sammy had his white picket-fence life with a girl, he was about to barge in and destroy it all with his news about Dad.

* * *

Dean couldn't really say that he was very torn up about Jess' death.

Of course it was sad that she was dead.

Of course he didn't like to see the pain it caused Sammy every day.

Of course it was eerily similar to how Mom had died and therefore very suspicious.

But at the same time he had Sammy back.

Sammy, but without a girlfriend, a romance, attached.

Maybe now he would have learned his lesson about romance.

Hopefully he would have learned it.

Dean didn't like to see Sam this torn up, this upset. But maybe that would turn out to be the push he would need to stop falling in love.

* * *

“So then what am I supposed to do?”

“You go find Lisa. You pray to God she's dumb enough to take you in, and you – you have barbecues and go to football games. You go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me.”

* * *

The Impala purred softly and music played just a bit louder as Dean watched the sky go dark.

He glanced at the clock in the dashboard of the car.

 _21:32_. The numbers blinked. _21:33_.

The house in front of him was a dark silhouette against the darkening sky.

He had promised Sam. It was the last thing he had promised his dumb-ass little brother. So why was it so hard? Why was it so hard to just walk up to that door and ring the bell?

Dean forced himself to unclench his teeth as they had begun hurting during the past half-hour.

Sammy's last wish.

His own rules against romance.

_Sammy's last wish._

Dean sighed and opened the door after throwing a last glance at the empty passenger seat.

The numbers blinked.

 _21:34_.

The door closed and a doorbell ringing cut through the soft noises of the approaching night.

* * *

Maybe the romance would follow with enough time. If he just gave it enough time he should fall in love with Lisa, right?

Wasn't that how it went?

You met a person. You liked them. You felt butterflies or some shit in your stomach... and you fell in love.

Dean did feel butterflies.

They felt the same like the butterflies when he had made his deal. When he had broken in at Sammy's. When he had arrived at that damn church.

They felt like apprehension.

They felt like fear.

* * *

“You okay?”

Dean turned in the soft sheets of the bed, looking at Lisa's concerned brown eyes.

“Yeah, I'm good.”

_Am I broken? Did hunting break me, so I can't fall in love?_

Warm brown eyes glanced at him.

Did Lisa know that he couldn't feel for her the same she felt for him?

Did she know he was broken?

* * *

“You finally had what you wanted, Dean.”

Dean stared at Sam. Was that what he wanted? One year of feeling guilty, not only because he had failed his brother, but also because he was in a relationship he couldn't _do_. Was it really?

“I wanted my brother, alive!”

“You wanted a family. You have for a long time, maybe the whole time. I know you. You only gave it up because of the way we lived.” 

_Did I, Sam? Did I want_ a _family, when I could have had my family?_

There was a cold spot slowly growing in Dean's chest. It had been there for some time, spreading when interacting with Lisa, but now it had turned into a glacier, unmoving and cold as ice.

* * *

“Do you have any clue what walking away meant for me?

“Yeah – a woman and a kid and not getting your guts ripped out at age 30. That's what it meant.”

At Bobby's words the glacier seemed to grow even further. Was that what being in love meant for others? A way out of life?

“That woman and that kid – I went to them, because you asked me to.”

“Good.”

The glacier splintered and cracked and it _hurt_.

There was nothing good about this whole situation! Couldn't Bobby see that just because of him Lisa and Ben were in danger? Or did even Bobby believe romance to be the cure of all ailments and everything bad, like all the other people seemed to do?

* * *

“And you're always so amazing with Ben. You know what I wanted, more than anything was a guy that Ben could look up to like a dad. So, you're saying it's all bad, Dean? 'Cause it was the best year of my life.”

The glacier collapsed into itself in shreds and tears and splinters.

What should one answer to this?

And it was the worst year of my life?

How could people choose this? How could people choose romance?

Dean promised to himself that he would never ever try to fall in love again. Because love was a fickle and annoying and absolutely overwhelming burden and just not worth the effort, no matter, what everybody else said.

* * *

“Look, man, I get it, okay? You meet a girl, you feel that spark, there's nothing better, but this freak?”

But wasn't that the crux? There were so many things that were better than this non-existent spark.

And as he stared into Sam's brown eyes, desperately trying to get Dean to understand why he wouldn't kill the kitsune, he knew, that whatever his brother was trying to convey, whatever emotional reaction he wanted to provoke... Dean didn't know shit about it. Sam might as well have been speaking Chinese, for all he knew.

Also, putting a monster above his _family_ , of all things? That was such a blatant no-go and yet Sam did so again and again.

Sure, that with Ruby Dean could rationalize. Some men would think with their dick, before thinking with their brain. Hell, Dean had done that himself a fair few times. On top of that, Sam had been addicted and full of grief over Dean's death.

But this? This couldn't be explained, because it was just so irrational and irritating.

There couldn't possibly ever be such a spark that was so much more important than doing the right thing. Why couldn't Sam understand that love didn't have to be the most powerful emotion ever? At least not romantic love.

Sure, Dean had died for his brother. But that was family, not some random girl Sam hadn't known for one day. And one day wasn't enough to form a bond stronger than family.

And Dean wanted to tell Sam exactly that, but as he stared into his brother's eyes, he saw, that Sam would never understand him, exactly like Dean could never understand Sam.

Sam sat his beer can down on the motel room table forcefully and shoved past Dean.

“I didn't mean that,” he said into the empty space in front of him, knowing full well that he was lying.

* * *

“I'm in love. And I'm getting married.”

And weren't those fear-inspiring words?

* * *

“How in the – How did this happen?”

“Short version? We – we – we met. We ate and – and talked and fell in love.”

Sam looked so far past normal and he also looked so... happy. Was this what people looked like when they were in love?

But how? Love was such a messy thing, how could Sam be so happy about his life being thrown around in a matter of minutes?

For the first time, Dean was glad he had never fallen in love.

“I'm gonna be sick,” he announced.

* * *

The light of the alarm clock cast the room into a slight blueish tinge.

 _21:32_ the number showed.

Dean turned on the other side, away from the glow and Sam's soft snoring.

The... musical was still in his head.

For some part he could appreciate the effort and it was kind of charming to have a musical written about you.

On the other hand, this girl, Marie, had implied that he and Sam were together, which was just about a 'nope'. Also, there had been the two girls, Christen and... or was it Kristin? He wasn't quite sure. At least when they had kissed each other, still looking like him and Cas... Was it wrong, that he would actually yearn for something like that?

Dean had never fallen in love. He had never experienced it and never wanted to. But the closeness they portrayed him and Cas with?

It was... Overwhelming.

Dean turned around again.

And again.

And again.

The clock showed _21:38_.

Dean sighed and with a last look at his brother he got up quietly and grabbed the laptop from the kitchen table, before leaving the room.

The air outside hit him with a slight, refreshing, chill and he took a deep breath, before sitting down on the stairs to the motel room, laptop balanced on his knees.

Throwing a short look around, he opened the laptop.

The cursor hovered over the search engines start page.

Taking one deep breath Dean laid his fingers on the keys and began typing.

_i dont feel love_

Steeling himself, Dean hit enter.

> Why don't I feel love for anyone anymore? -Quora
> 
> Can't Fall In Love? 10 Psychological Issues That Could Be …
> 
> People Who Are Unable To Love | Psychology Today 

But that wasn't the problem. He could feel love. He loved Sam. He had loved Bobby. He loved Cas. He just didn't... fall in love.

Dean scrolled back up the page and backspaced his previous question.

_i cant fall in love_

This time it took a while for the page to refresh itself and Dean glared at the flickering wifi symbol.

> Songtext by Zara Larsson – I Can't Fall In Love Without You …
> 
> Can't Fall In Love? 10 Psychological Issues That Could Be …
> 
> 3 Reasons You Can't Fall In Love, Even Though You Want A ...

Dean felt his frustration grow, as it did so often, ever since he got the Mark of Cain.

He took a deep, slow breath, closed his eyes and counted to ten.

Again he scrolled up the page and hit the search bar.

_i dont feel romantic love_

The words blinked. Dean hit enter and the page refreshed for a third time.

> Meet the aromantics: 'I'm not cold – I just don't have any …
> 
> Why am I not able to feel romantic love? (LGBTQ+) | 7 Cups
> 
> Can't Fall In Love? 10 Psychological Issues That Could Be ...

Slowly, Dean moved his cursor over the first link, a site by 'The Guardian'.

At least that site didn't seem keen on psychoanalyzing him, only to then diagnose him with some psychopath shit.

Not that they would be way off when it came to him being a psychopath. Dean could admit, that he probably fit some of the character traits, something that just happened, once you started to regularly murder beings.

Before he could chicken out Dean opened the site.

In the middle of the screen were several pictures of happy couples doing whatever it is happy couples do.

And at the top there was the title.

> **Meet the aromantics: 'I'm not cold, I just don't have any romantic feelings'**
> 
> They've been labeled heartless or deluded, but an increasing number of people don't conform to the concepts of true love and marriage. Though that doesn't always mean not having sex

The more he read, the more Dean started seeing himself in what those people were saying. Not feeling romantic attraction? Waiting for it to come in a relationship, only for it to never happen? Only having a 'why would you do that' attitude, when it came to relationships?

When Dean went back to the search bar, he typed in 'aromantic'.

* * *

Dean yawned, rubbing the back of his hand over his mouth. With a slight start he re-focused on the glowing screen of the laptop, which by now showed a website called _arocalypse_. Considering how often he had dealt with the actual apocalypse, Dean found the name to be appropriately funny.

Funny enough, to get his own account 'Impala67' and just continue surfing.

He ended up scrolling through a page called 'Aromantic Moments' when he heard noises from inside the room.

Committing the link to memory, Dean closed the tab and opened another one about Chuck's book series.

“Good morning, bitch.”

“Morning, jerk.”

…

“Wait, are you actually looking at one of the Supernatural pages?”

“Uh... No?”

* * *

He had never planned on anything like 'coming out' or something like that. Why should he? He was single and had been single almost his entire life. There would be no need to explain that to another person, especially not with a fancy term.

Still, right now, coming out didn't seem like a bad option.

“Dean, are you listening to me?”

“Uh... yes, sure, I'm listening.”

Cas stared at him.

“... What was it you said?”

The ~~man~~ angel in front of him sighed.

“Gabriel had said, that before we all die because Michael killed us all in our 'foolish attempt to escape' –“ Dean could basically see the air quotes – “you and I should 'talk about our feelings and finally hook up one last time'. I believe, he meant for me to tell you that you and I share a profound bond, although I see not why, considering the fact, that you already knew that.” Cas' forehead creased and he leaned his head to the side, his eyes still fixed eerily on the man in front of him.

Dean shifted.

Cas had said something like that before hadn't he? _”Dean and I share a profound bond.”_ Or something like that anyway.

Then he froze.

Did Cas just say 'hook up'? As in 'have sex'? Surely the angel must know that that wouldn't be an option, especially, since having sex with a friend would ruin many relationships. On top of that, he had always thought that Cas was asexual.

Or had since he had first heard about the word 'asexual'. Before that he had just thought that it was another of the angel's weird quirks.

And whilst Cas himself might be genderless, that didn't change the fact that he was in a male form and whilst Dean could certainly appreciate the male form, he wasn't all that interested in having sex with a man, preferring women as company.

“Wait, what?” he asked dumbly.

Cas sighed again, this time more deeply as he began again, this time slower, as if talking to a dumb child. “Gabriel had said, that before we all die because –“

“Yeah, no, not that, I got that. The part where you said, he told you that we should... hook up.”

“I believe those were his words. Should I ask him again?” Cas turned as if to walk away.

“No, God, no, Cas! Don't ask Gabriel.”

“Alright.” Cas faced Dean again. “Gabriel said that we should talk about our feelings towards each other, so I'll start. I feel deeply connected to you, particularly, since you convinced me to turn my back on heaven and stop the apocalypse. Also, I died for you. But I am deeply sorry about the fact, that I ignored you and your needs for companionship and loyalty whilst I was working with Crowley, even thought you weren't happy with Lisa and Ben.”

“I was happy.”

“You would have been happier with myself, Sam and Bobby at your side,” Cas pointed out. And he wasn't wrong, was he?

Dean shrugged.

“The fact that you kicked me out whilst Sam was possessed by Gadreel hurt me deeply, although I understand your reasoning behind it. Still, I would like for you to recognize how much you mean to me, even if you dislike 'chick-flick moments'.” Was that snark he heard? Was Cas seriously mocking him?

Then, Dean realized what Cas had said and he felt a flush rise to his cheeks. Clearing his throat, he turned away from the angel, not daring to look at him, after all he had said, all he had told Dean.

This was _way_ out of his comfort zone and they both knew it.

Dean cleared his throat again, wanting to crack a joke to diffuse the tension curling in the air, like a snake trying to strike it's prey – and damn if Dean didn't feel like he was it's prey – but finding he just couldn't. He couldn't crack a joke about this. Not after Cas had basically opened himself up. And then asked for him to do the same thing. Damn those damn eyes.

He sighed and turned away from Cas, resting his view on the undergrowth that was all over the camp.

“I...” he started, not knowing what to say, but not wanting to let the silence continue, in fear of pushing Cas away – again.

He felt more than saw Cas standing beside him.

“I...”

Cas was waiting patiently – just as he had waited all those other damn times for Dean, just because Dean was a damn idiot, too caught up in his own drama to notice the angel's feelings and damn that hurt. _I'll just wait here then..._ the soft voice chimed in his head, reminicing over the musical he had seen so long ago, back then, before all the drama with Amara and Lucifer had started.

 _Lucifer..._ Another failure of his. Had he been more supportive of Cas, it might have never gotten to a point where he would have felt that freeing Lucifer was the only possible choice.

And Dean had never noticed it wasn't his best friend anymore in the former body of Jimmy Novak.

Another way he had failed Cas.

“I'm so, so damn sorry,” he burst out. “I'm sorry about everything that has happened to you, just because you knew... just because you know me. I'm sorry about you falling and getting killed over and over again, just because you were so damned stupid to side with me. And about Lucifer and never noticing and kicking you out, out of the bunker, and I just... I'm so damn sorry, Cas. So damn sorry.” His voice broke off into a whisper at those last few words and only now he felt the tears sliding down his cheek, catching in the stubble on his face.

He raised his hand and roughly wiped away the evidence of him ever having cried.

“I'm sorry,” he said, collected and calm and nowhere willing to actually ever look at Cas ever again, because damn that stupid sonofabitch for making him cry and have a damn chick-flick moment.

“It's alright. I forgive you, Dean Winchester.”

The words made his head snap up and swivel around to regard Cas before he had even noticed what he was doing. The angel had a small smile on his face and was still looking at the wasteland that was all around them.

“You what?”

“I forgive you, Dean Winchester.”

“So, uh, what did Gabriel mean with us having to hook up?” Dean asked, desperate to change the topic to one he knew.

“To hook up, means that you would have sex, so in that context, Gabriel most likely meant –“

“Yeah, no, Cas, I know what hooking up is.”

“I was wondering. After all it is something you like to do, although I do not see the appeal in it.”

“I meant, why he would want for us to hook up. I mean, you just said yourself that you do not see the appeal of hooking up.”

“He probably just meant for us that we should get in a relationship with one another.”

“Wait, like a romantic relationship?”

“I believe that is what he had meant. Although I know that will never happen, considering the fact that you do not experience romantic attraction.”

“... You knew? How did you know, Cas? How?”

“I raised you from perdition, Dean. I cradled your soul and repaired it, as I lifted you from hell. I build your body atom to atom. I know everything about you.”

“You... Everything? Every single detail? Like, everything?”

“I believe that is the definition of everything,” Cas answered and damn if that bastard didn't sound a little smug. “I know your heart's desires and your darkest secrets.”

“Wow, Harry Potter much, Mirror of Erised?”

“What is a 'Mirror of Erised'?” Cas inquired.

“It's from a book... You know what, forget it. Forget it! I'm done here for now.” Dean threw his hands in the air as he turned around, fully aware that he was just running away.

“Done,” he murmured to himself as he stomped through the undergrowth of the nearby woods.

Guilt came creeping back in. Cas had just been honest with him and he had exploded at his best friend over something as trivial as his darkest secrets. Well, not so trivial then, but still.

Cas had known all this stuff for years now. And even when their relationship had been in ruins, even when they had stood on opposite sides, even when they had fought he had always kept Dean's secrets.

And Dean just repaid him for that with... that.

The guilt was eating him up from inside and before he had a chance to second-guess himself he turned around and began running back towards the camp.

He would talk this out with Cas now. Before Gabriel was right and it was too late to tell him.

 _Tell him what?_ a tinny voice inside his head asked, but Dean shoved that thought away.

A branch caught on his jeans and he cursed as they ripped, but did not stop running.

And wasn't it a good thing that Cas knew he was aromantic? Wasn't it good, that he would never need to out himself? Wasn't it good, that Cas already knew, he wasn't interested in a relationship?

 _Liar, liar, mom's on fire._ The tinny voice came back with vengeance.

Again, Dean shoved it aside, but the feeling of... sadness... lingered.

Wasn't that the crux? He was interested in a relationship with Cas. He just couldn't _love_ him.

Cas wouldn't be the being Dean had seen himself with, whenever he had pictured himself having a relationship in some twisted type of pipedream that would never come true and only fester itself like a weeping wound in his chest.

Whenever Dean had tried to picture a relationship, it had been with a woman. A human. Maybe a kid. Awesome and mind-blowing sex. Cas would offer none of these. Well, technically there was Jack, but that didn't really count. And Claire in some way.

But hadn't there always been the qualities of that partner that had mattered the most?

Dean slowed in his run.

Wasn't there the loyalty of this partner? The feeling of trust, understanding? Acceptance? Someone willing to give him his space when he needed it, but stubborn enough to care for him when he couldn't bring up the energy to do it himself? One he could watch movies with? Laugh with? Live with?

And didn't Cas fulfill these criteria over and over again?

Hadn't Cas been the most loyal of his friends? The angel had died over and over again for Dean's sake.

Hadn't Cas given him that feeling of trust and understanding? Dean might not have returned it, but the angel had trusted him. And he knew everything about Dean. He understood Dean in a way nobody ever had and nobody would ever do again.

Didn't Cas shower him with unconditional love and acceptance?

Didn't Cas fulfill all of these criteria?

Shame burned in his gut.

And he had run away. Had run away from Cas and from the only chance for him to ever have something like this.

Selfloathing swirled through him, like poison, eating up his insides.

Damn it! He had some serious apologizing to do, didn't he?

The camp came into view and Dean saw that Cas still stood where he had left him.

 _Stubborn enough to care for you,_ the voice chimed in again, and this time Dean couldn't find it in him to say any different.

Maybe, because there was nothing else to say.

And as Cas lifted his head to look at Dean from across the clearing, blue eyes shining, even though there was no visible sun-light they could have reflected, Dean felt his heart soar.

Maybe, he wouldn't need romance, if he could just do his own thing.

Then the angels attacked.

Of course they did.

* * *

“Dude, what's up with you? Look, we managed to get Michael to kill Lucifer instead of Gabriel, we managed to trap that asshole on the other side, we managed to get all the others across the rift, like, Bobby and Charlie – or at least their universes versions – and you're moping around with that big sad frown on your face and a beer in your hand.”

“It's nothing, Sam, alright?”

“Well, clearly it's something, because otherwise you wouldn't be quite such a dick about this whole thing – whatever it is that you won't tell me. C'mon, Dean.”

“Dude. No chick-flicks, alright?”

“Okay, fine, no chick-flick. But you know what I'm gonna veto on? You moping around because something's quite clearly eating you – and not any Supernatural crap. We saved the world, Dean. Again. Does that mean nothing to you?”

“Mh.”

Sam huffed and threw his hands in the air, exhasperation lining his movements.

“Fine! Just carry on being an asshole then. Just... ignore me, ignore mom, ignore Cas, ignore Bobby and Charlie and all the others and drink yourself into oblivion. See if I care!”

“Oh, you care,” Dean promised in a dark tone. “Otherwise we wouldn't have damned the world over and over for each other.”

“So, okay, fine! I care! I care a lot about you, Dean! You're my big brother. You basically raised me. What the hell? You did raise me. You are my brother and father and mother all wrapped up in a big pile of issues and sadness. And you know what? I hate seeing you destroy yourself! I hate having to stand by, whilst the person who raised me and who I love more than anything in this whole world drinks himself to death just because he can't damn talk to another person! I'm sick and tired of this whole charade. Time to man up, Dean! Just... just talk to me, damn it!”

“You sound like a girl, after her boyfriend broke up with her,” Dean commented drily, taking another sip of his beer.

“Oh, yeah? Do I? So what? You gonna kick me out, or what?” Sam's voice had dropped to a wisper and he turned away.

Dean saw his shoulders shaking as he turned away, as his younger brother turned away from him and how his right hand raised towards his cheek before Sam turned around the corner, not quite running away, but in a way running away.

“Fuck.”

Dean let his head drop into his hands, the beer bottle pleasantly cool against his forehead.

Of course he could just tell Sam what was bothering him. He could tell Sam about him not being as straight as everybody thought. He could tell Sam about being too chicken to tell Cas about his feelings. He could tell Sam about how he just couldn't pretend to be fine anymore when he hadn't been fine in years.

But he wouldn't. He wouldn't tell Sam a single word of this.

Guilt and shame and everything in between were burning their way through his heart and Dean pretended he couldn't feel the wetness on his cheeks.

Silently he raised the bottle again, taking a deep gulp, and sighing as the liquor ran down his throat, leaving behind a slightly bitter taste. He took another sip, this time swirling the beer around in his mouth as if it was wine. Hell, at this point he was so used to shitty beer it might as well have been water.

He swallowed.

Sam was right. He couldn't, shouldn't let this run him into the ground.

But, hell, it was his life and therefore his to ruin.

Dean raised his bottle again in a silent toast.

Tonight was a night for drinking, not for talking.

* * *

“Dean?”

Sam stood in front of him and Dean blinked blearily up at the huge, unfocused shape blocking the light.

His head felt as if an elephant had stamped on it and his mouth felt gross.

“Wha'ssup?”

“I... you were behaving weirdly last night. Uh... What do you remember?”

The shape of his brother slowly came into focus and Dean noticed the laptop on his arm.

He grunted in reply.

Sam apparently took that as a yes, because he continued talking.

“So, get this. After you... said what you said...” Sam's gaze swept to the side, staring past Dean's shoulder and his right hand, the one not holding the laptop, flexed ever so slightly. Great. Sam was still upset. “... I figured that there must be a reason as for why you were behaving that way.”

Dean slowly sat up, bracing himself on the cushions, cursing softly has his head began to pound again, hammering a beat behind his eyes. The world slowly shifted back into focus again.

“So, I looked through your room.”

“... You did what?”

“Look, I'm sorry, but you were scaring me, Dean! The last time you were like this we had just let the darkness loose and Chuck was dying!”

“Ugh, fine, go on.” Dean waved his hand in his brother's direction, before rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He had a feeling that this would be a conversation, he would need to be awake for.

“Yeah, anyway. I'm sorry. It won't happen again – probably.”

“Reassuring,” Dean muttered and started to look around for some pain meds.

“But I couldn't find anything in your room except for way too many weapons on the walls and way too many porn magazins in your nightstand.”

“C'mon, dude,” he protested, only half listening to what Sam was saying. Seriously, why weren't there any pain meds on the library table anyway? They should have pain meds in the library. They should have a whole bunch of pain meds in the library.

Sam ignored him and barreled on. “But then I thought about checking your laptop – and _ew_ , Dean, there was no need for you to leave a page like that open – and once I had closed that... site... I looked through your bookmarks, which then showed me two things: One, you have way too many porn sites saved, especially when compared to hunting sites. Two, you should _really_ start to organize your bookmarks. And three, I found this one site named...” Sam opened the laptop and shoved it into Dean's face. “Named 'arocalypse'. So, at first I thought it was a hunting website, just with a spelling mistake in the word apocalypse, but when I opened it, I found this website about aromantism.”

Dean groaned.

He had needed those pain meds. Yesterday.

“I can't believe you never told me about that! You have had this website bookmarked for years now, you have had an _account_ for years now! Come on, Dean! I'm your brother! You're supposed to tell me things!”

Where were those pain meds? Seriously.

“Also, you shouldn't feel bad about it not working out with Lisa and all that. That doesn't mean you're broken, Dean. It's not your fault, and it certainly doesn't mean you can't ever fall in love. I mean, one day you'll find the right person for you and it'll be alright.”

Dean's head snapped up, despite his raging headache.

“You know what, Sam? You should shut the fuck up. Now.” His tone was deadly calm. “And now I'll tell you something.” In a mockery of Sam's display earlier, he held up a first finger. “One: My romantic and sexual attraction is none of your damn business.” Dean raised a second finger. “Two: You will leave my room the fuck alone, or else.” Dean raised a third finger. “Three: I have always been aromantic, I will always be aromantic and that doesn't mean I'm broken. So you shut your ignorant cakehole and start minding your own damn business, okay, Sammy?”

“Come on, Dean. There is no shame in admitting that you need help –“

“I. Do. Not. Need. Any. Help. Sam.” Dean stood up. “This is over. Unless you actually have something to contribute, you stay the hell away from me, do you understand?”

Steaming, Dean shoved past Sam and into the kitchen.

The pain meds were in the top right corner of the second cupboard from the left.

* * *

Sam's reaction and following rejection hurt way more than Dean was ever comfortable admitting.

Why had Sam's first thought been that Dean was broken?

Sure, Dean would be the first to agree that he certainly wasn't the most stable person and that there might be something wrong with him, but that didn't mean that he was broken.

He wasn't broken just for not feeling romantic love, at least.

He wasn't.

He wasn't.

Wasn't he?

* * *

“Dean, you seem upset.”

“Oh, really?”

Dean turned around so his back was towards the angel.

“You were in bed all of yesterday and today, Dean. In order to stay healthy you need to hydrate soon and it would be preferable if you were to eat something as well.”

Dean hummed.

“I won't pry into whatever has happened between you and Sam, Dean, but you should stay healthy, no matter your relationship with your brother.”

Dean hummed again.

“Also, Sam seemed rather upset as well.”

“Why would Sam be upset? He wasn't the one who was told that they were broken by their brother,” Dean spat, the contempt that had been brewing inside him ever since he had last seen Sam bubbling over.

“Why did he say that?” Cas' tone was genuinely confused and worried. It somehow calmed Dean.

“Oh, he just found out that I'm not gonna fall in love. Ever. And of course instead of listening to me, he decided that that means that I'm broken.” Dean's voice cracked.

“He shouldn't have said that, Dean.”

“Shouldn't he? Isn't it true? Every. Other. Single. Person. Experiences romantic attraction, other than some weirdos. And, hey, turns out I'm one of those weirdos. Since my life isn't really weird enough already.”

“It is perfectly normal to not experience romantic and-or sexual attraction, Dean. I myself don't experience them.”

“Yeah, but you're an angel!” Dean shouted, suddenly pissed off at the angel's cool demeander. “You're already a freak to humans!” 

He turned just in time to see the emotion well up in Cas' eyes, before the angel turned around with a soft flap from the trenchcoat.

“Damn, Cas! Wait! I... I didn't mean to say that.” The words faded in the silence of his room.

Dean was alone again. And this time not even Cas would come.

He turned around again and lay down, pulling the covers over himself, hiding his shaking body and the silent tear tracks on his face from the outside world.

* * *

Half an hour later, Dean heard someone step into his room and set something down on his nightstand. Still, he refused to surface.

Only when the steps faded in the hallway again, Dean looked up from underneath his blanket, the light biting into his eyes.

On the table was one glass with water and a plate with two sandwiches on it.

Suddenly, Dean could feel his stomach grumbling and he reached out towards the sandwiches, accepting them as the peace offering they were.

Peanut butter and jam.

Cas.

He smiled, feeling weirdly light-hearted and relieved.

* * *

“Uh, hey, Cas?” Dean fidgeted, rubbing the back of his neck, as he stood in the entryway to the library, watching the angel sift through the books.

Since Sam was on a grocery run and Gabriel had vanished to locations unknown this was the perfect time to finally talk with Cas about what had happened.

And whilst Dean absolutely hated chick-flick moments with a passion, he hated the cold tension between him and Cas even more.

“Yes, Dean?” The angel turned his head and looked at him with those piercing blue eyes.

Damn, this was going to be harder than he had thought.

Dean let his hand fall from his neck, trying to lean against the wall casually before noticing how awkward that seemed and standing just straight in the entryway. He stared at a place above Cas' right shoulder, not really seeing anything, but not wanting to look into those eyes and see the disappointment that was sure to be hidden in there.

“I... uh... I wanted to apologize,” Dean stammered, lifting his right hand again unconciously, before letting it fall down again. “I behaved like an ass and you didn't deserve that. You're... man, you're like the best thing that ever happened to me and I just managed to fuck it up again. I'm so damn sorry. I mean, you fell because of me and lost your wings and your grace and just about anything because of me and I repay it by acting like such an ass and I'm... I'm sorry, okay?” His voice broke and his gaze sank down.

Suddenly he felt like a child that had broken their mother's favorite vase. Not that he would really know what that felt like, but the anticipation, shame and guilt swirling inside of him felt familiar enough.

“Dean Winchester,” Cas started, and, damn, Dean hadn't even noticed the angel getting up, too caught up inside his own thoughts. “Do not blame yourself for what has happened to me. Those were my choices. I _chose_ to stand beside you. To help you.”

Dean opened his mouth to protest, not even sure of what he wanted to say, before closing it again.

“It was my choice, Dean.”

“I... but if it weren't for me, none of that would have happened!”

“Maybe. But I would have stayed a mindless soldier of heaven. The apocalypse would have happened. So wouldn't you say it turned out better this way?”

“Yes, but –“

“No 'but', Dean. It was my choice. Also, I believe that this was not your original reason for coming to talk with me?”

“I... no. I just wanted to apologize for my behavior the last few days. I was an ass, Cas.” He chuckled drily.

“So, then apologize.” Cas raised an eyebrow.

“I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry for behaving the way I did. I'm sorry for calling you a freak. You're not a freak, you're my...” And suddenly Dean found it difficult to continue. What even was Cas to him? More than a brother for sure. Not a lover, not a partner. “You're great, Cas,” Dean finished lamely.

“You still seem unsatisfied,” Cas observed.

“Okay, enough talk about feelings; chick-flick moment is over!”

Dean turned and ~~fled~~ gracefully retreated from the library, Cas' gaze burning into his back.

Family. Cas was his family and he was too chicken to say that.

“Dean!” Cas' voice sounded from behind, commanding and at the same time afraid.

Afraid of what? Loosing Dean? Loosing their _profound bond_?

Dean turned around, stopping in the midst of the hallway.

“What, Cas?” He sounded broken.

“You do know that I love you more than anyone else, right?” It was said with such sincerity, Dean's breath caught in his throat and he had to cough.

“You showed me free will, Dean. You showed me passion and love in a way I never knew before. You showed me what it's like to make decisions and to choose wrongly. But also how to fix things and help and do the right thing.

“You are a talented, smart human being, Dean. And whilst you may not believe that, I do. I know that. I cradled your soul, I built you back up. I know you, Dean. And whilst you have made mistakes – and grave ones at that – you always try to fix them, to do better, to repent, never once looking for excuses. You're willing to sacrifice yourself for the world, even when the world did nothing but fuck you up, as you would say.

“And I admire that. I admire you, Dean. I admire your strenght and resilience. I admire your knowledge and skill. I admire your passion and heart.

“Do you think I would fall for just about any human?”

Dean stared at Cas, dumbstruck. 

Slowly he shook his head.

“So why can't you believe that you're a good person? Why can't you believe that I love you?”

“I... I dunno.” Dean gasped a laugh. “Guess I'm just...” _broken_. The word died on his lips.

“Would you be fine with me kissing you?” Cas asked bluntly.

Dean stared at the angel, nodding slowly.

“I...” He cleared his throat. “I would... like that.”

His cheeks and neck were on fire. He had never felt this nervous about kissing anyone.

Cas closed the gap between them and it was different than any kiss Dean had had before.

The angel's lips were chapped, his stubble rough against his own and the trench-coat softly flapped against his jeans. Dean closed his eyes.

There was just something innocent and pure about the kiss, just a soft touch of lips, sharing a promise of a future. There was no tongue, no haste, no arousal. There was only them and the bond they shared.

Dean sighed into the kiss, separating his lips from Cas'.

“That fine?” The angel's voice sounded even rougher than it usually did, as if he had just woken up.

“Awesome,” Dean muttered, leaning against the angel, face buried in the crook of his neck, arms loosely around the strong figure. “Awesome.”

Cas chuckled, his throat vibrating.

“I know you're not comfortable with a romantic relationship, Dean, so I wanted to assure you that it won't ever come to anything you're not comfortable with. We could however pursue a sexual relationship if that would make you more comfortable.”

“Heck no, Cas!” Dean leaned back and looked Cas in the eye. “I'm like 99 percent sure that you wouldn't be all that comfortable with a sexual relationship and I don't ever want to do anything you're not comfortable with, okay? Promise to tell me, whenever I cross a line, okay?”

Cas smiled at him.

“As long as you will.” He held his hand towards Dean. “Pinky-promise?” he asked, a serious look on his face, and Dean snorted.

“Sure, whatever, angel.”

They hooked their fingers and shook on it.

“So...” Dean turned towards Cas, suddenly shy but still feeling on top of the world. “You fine with holding hands?”

As an answer, Cas tightly clasped Dean's hand in his own, squeezing once.

They both grinned at each other.

The sound of the bunker door opening echoed through the hallway and Dean almost let go of Cas' hand.

Castiel glanced at him. _You fine with this?_ he seemed to ask. Dean nodded.

Together they turned to face Sam.

* * *

“So get this. They're actually having a pride parade like five hours away and I thought you two might like to go there and I actually already bought you two flags, I mean, I wasn't quite sure if you were up to it, but...” Sam trailed off, face and neck red.

Dean laughed.

“Sure. Thanks for telling me, Sammy!”

“Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

* * *

Tomorrow he would be going to his first pride parade and Dean had to admit that he was way too anxious to go to sleep now.

Cas had left with Gabriel two hours ago, when the archangel had promised to 'get your loverboy some real merch' and Sam had gone to sleep an hour ago.

Slowly he opened up his laptop and logged in.

He opened the browser and typed in 'arocalypse'.

Everything had started with that site, might as well announce him going to pride for the first time.

While scrolling through their subforum about 'Aromantic Pride and Culture' – which he thought was fitting, since he would be going to pride tomorrow after all – he stumbled across a post called 'Aromantic Character Headcanons'.

> Dean Winchester from Supernatural: i didn't start headcanoning him as aro until i saw a post on Tumblr tbh. I can kinda see it because he honestly seems to be happy just on the road with his bro and the occasional one night stands. 

“Son of a bitch!”

The numbers on the clock blinked.

_21:32_

**Author's Note:**

> I've never been in love  
> And it's all good  
> Not the only one  
> Feeling like they should  
> Maybe one day, some day  
> But no, I ain't in a rush  
> I say whatever, don't care that I've never  
> No, never been in love  
> I say whatever, don't care that I've never  
> No, never been in love
> 
> _Will Jay - Never Been In Love_
> 
> **Notes:** I hoped you liked this story! I wrote it because right now is _Aromantic Awareness Week_ and I am aromantic myself. All the websites and articles in the story are legit, and I recommend checking out _Arocalypse_ for sure!


End file.
